Lunch FAILS in the Cookie Jar

Are you a little intimidated by that Lunch Revolution thang going on next door at the Cookie Jar? Thinking that I've turned all health nut crazy person and there's no way you are going to offer up your idea because a) you don't think it's "good enough" or b) you think this healthy eating thing is a bit weird?

I get it. Really, I do. Let me tell you, lunches are challenging. Let me bring you MY tips from my biggest lunch time/foodie FAILS and challenges of all time.

1. Check the tupperware you stick in your kid's lunch BEFORE you send them to school. Otherwise hey might end up with a container of raw, bloody hamburger that drips all over their food and grosses out everyone in the class. You may also avoid the call from a teacher who is wondering if you lost you EVER LIVING MIND.

Because raw meat is JUST the thing for junior, right? I hope the teacher wasn't a vegetarian.

2. Sending cheese and crackers with your lactose intolerant child will cause "winds" in the portable strong enough to cause the teacher to hand out gas masks to all the students, lest they die from YOUR child's fumes.

In my defense, I didn't know he was lactose intolerant. I don't send cheese now, and Jake isn't known as Mr. McFartypants. But wow, those portables have NO ventilation. Or at least that's what everyone said when they evacuated the class because it smelled so bad.

3. Even if the school has condemned sugar as evil, send in a chocolate bar ANYWAY.

Yes! I'm guilty! The class went on a skiing field trip. Everyone knows that skiing requires a tonne of calories, and so I packed a Snickers bar for the day. The teacher wasn't so happy and "suggested" he save it for home, even though the day was very long and Jake was SO hungry he could eat an elephant. I was irritated by the over the top rules about food and told them that I could legally send my child to school with a box of cookies every single day, and they can't do a thing about it. (it's true) I mean seriously, teach healthy eating but when you vilify sugar to the point where kids are hiding skittles in their BRA? That's a bit much.

Parents really need to make the call about what is best for their kids. We won't always agree with each other, but I do think it's OUR job to take back the lunchbox. That day required a chocolate bar because, hello? Skiing? Hungry child? Treat? The ONE time I've done that?

Gah! common sense, please?

4. Buy cheap containers for soup because then when your kid drops one, it will EXPLODE and send a stream of vomit-like green pea soup ALL over the hallway.

Nice, huh? Good thing I worked there and could hand him my lunch. Still, I had to supervise the hallways and know that the smell (and the lovely green slime) was MINE.

5. Send uber-fishy smelling sardines that have little tails attached so your child can wave them in front of the fish-hating kids and traumatize them.

So, *I* didn't think they smelled bad, if at all. Apparently in that portable with no ventilation, and warm weather, the fish smell was pungent. Add in a few kids hoping to win an Oscar, and you have a mutiny in the classroom of epic proportions. The fact that Jake ate FISH! With TAILS! OMG! was enough to send a group of grade 7s out of control. He ate his fishies outside, and eventually asked me not to send them. (only reason I did was because he wanted them!)

6. Try to be a Martha and end up doing demolition.

Click through and read The Gingerbread Incident, where I hurl a gingerbread house through my kitchen when I can't get it to..um..stick. *hangs head in shame* My child was scarred for life after that.

7. Forget utensils, so they have to eat caveman-like.

I do this all the time. Fortunately Jake can sweet talk someone into lending him a fork.

8. Make the lunch TOO GOOD.

Problem; if you make the lunch too good, people steal it. It's happened! Usually they take the cookies. On the other hand it can come in handy if he needs to bribe teachers.

*waves cookie in front of face*
"You WILL give me an extension on that assignment...."

9. Bring *GASP* Subway to school.

It was his birthday. Yes, I've done it. They almost took away his iced tea, but they knew I'd be testy so they left it alone. And YES, I've done it when I just didn't have time to make lunch. Now he's so "food revolutionary" that he won't LET ME DO THIS.

Uh oh. What have I DONE!?

10. Pack the lunches in identical lunchboxes so your child takes YOUR lame bowl of cereal lunch and YOU get the yummy leftovers.

Because fair is fair, and sometimes you need someone to make you a yummy lunch too. They'll survive. It's not like one day is gonna kill 'em.

What's your biggest fails? Any funny lunch stories? Those are PERFECT for links for the lunch revolution party! Then mingle, comment over there, and you might win some super prizes!

PS...last one...

After your grade 1 child becomes violently ill from eating cheezies, cream soda and hot dogs at a birthday party, send in garlic sausage. Especially on the day he climbs on a chair in the middle of Math class and sings, "Who Let the Dogs Out" and the teacher makes him sit for a FULL hour right by the lunch room, where the Moms are cooking hot dogs.

He will NEVER touch a hot dog, sausage, or any processed, rolled, tube shaped meat AGAIN.